Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
