Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
