We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
we're so committed to being not committed
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