When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
