Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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