dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
