I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
