Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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