Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
