capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
