I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
