I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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