I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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