I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
