Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
