Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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