dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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