batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Terrible idea I love it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
