My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
