I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
