all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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