My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
