why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
