Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
