I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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