Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
