And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
