she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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