I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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