how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
