My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
