I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
