she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
