Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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