I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
