The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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