Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
