My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
