i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
