the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
last night I used snow as a chaser
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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