Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
