apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
