The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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