I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
