I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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