So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
