every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
two words: eviction party
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
