It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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