There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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