Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
