I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
