I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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