Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
