just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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