Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
