it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
